Leading journalists and business leaders have warned that the nation faces a crisis of confidence unless the Prime Minister can stop being a dickhead.
“This nation can no longer afford the uncertainty of being ruled by a dill,” stated one senior Fairfax political commentator in a column entitled “Why Tony Abbott must become a completely differently person”. “It had been assumed by most gallery observers that Mr Abbott would ‘grow into’ the role of prime minister. That we still persist in this belief is, I feel, a touching glimmer of optimism in what is largely thought of as a cynical trade. However, time is running out.”
The Prime Minister, a lifelong dickhead who was awarded a Blue for being a massive galoot at Oxford, and whose achievements in public life include acknowledging the paternity of a child which was not his own, posing in front of a “Ditch the Witch” sign and galloping out of the Lower House like a complete idiot to avoid a vote with Craig Thomson, was unavailable for comment.
“Even the left had underestimated the extent of Abbott’s silliness,” said Philip Adams, noted radio journalist and faint residue of bone imprints and protoplasm sandwiched between layers of shale. “We’re gradually realising that Tony Abbott is not the Second Coming of Margaret Thatcher, but Billy McMahon with a less-attractive wife.” This remark drew appreciative chuckles and cardiac fibrillations from the few remaining Australians who sexually objectify Sonia McMahon.