As a reward for making it through the last three months, I got the family an iPad. When they were launched, I said “wow if I want one, and I never buy Apple stuff, then they are going to sell like hotcakes”: a dire prophecy which is now fulfilled. Like many computers, the iPad can be used to make stuff up, and thanks to its (STET damn you) clever autocorrection, it can also be iced to make stuff up.

The iPad is pointless and fun, like male nipples or alcohol.

The iPad keeps one young by providing a new thing which is hard to justify to one’s parents.

The iPad has an olfactory sniffer which detects youth molecules and sends them over Internet to Steve Jobs’ doctor, who uses them to make serum. This is why children should not be allowed to play with an iPad for more than half an hour per day.

Contrary to popular belief, iPad can multitask. It can spend your money, correct your spelling and make you look like a wanker, all at the same time.

“iPad” is not a made-up word, but the Latin acronym IUSTUS PATERNUS AMORE DECIDUOSAM meaning “Dadda still loves you but he’s busy now.”


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