Music snobs: the Coldplay scale

Earlier this week, @timsterne observed on twitter that you can’t be much of a “music snob” if you listen to JJJ. But all we need for snobbery is someone else to look down upon, and thus do snobs arrange themselves into tidy hierarchies. Feel free to condescend to my no doubt dated choice of Coldplay as a reference point.

Professionals 9 “Auteur inconnu”

Only heard about Coldplay because their agent landed them a contract to produce their next single

8 “Bricoleur”

Makes sound art from old Coldplay CDs they retrieve from landfill and step on

7 “The Punter”

Doesn’t like Coldplay but can tell you how big the advance was for each of their albums

The Scottish Rite 6 “The Dandy Highwayman”

Likes Coldplay, detests Radiohead, and can back this position up with well-reasoned arguments about “pop purity” etc.

5 “Zen Master”

Takes care never to be found in a social situation in which Coldplay are mentioned or played

4 “The Secret Sharer”

Can appreciates Coldplay as a clever ingredient, for eg a mashup of “Talk” with Kraftwerk’s “Computer Love”

The Entered Apprentice 3 “Antidepressants and Wine”

Dumped, or, more accurately, contemplated dumping, a hot partner because they liked Coldplay

2 “Rock Snob 101”

Dumped, or, more accurately, contemplated dumping a partner because they liked Coldplay

1 “Anger Jr”

Loves Radiohead, detests Coldplay and will tell you all about it.

Infra-dig 0 “Dinner party”

Only likes Coldplay’s first album but never really listens to it

-1 “Everyman”

Likes Coldplay

-2 “Not in the Game”

Only heard about Coldplay because Gwyneth married that guy

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7 responses to “Music snobs: the Coldplay scale

  1. -2.

    Is that good?

  2. Yes. Snobbery is a vice.

  3. Goddamn, but I know a lot of Anger Jrs.

  4. Can you explain (5) which I think I am, but I don’t really know anything about Coldplay… and get them mixed up with Radiohead. The name is two words stuck together. I also confuse Coldplay with Nunbait and Captain Feathersword.

    • I suspect that you probably are a 5, as is my brother and most of the people I know who are actual musicians, as opposed to tryhard 4s like me. With the qualification that the 5s I know of in real life are not actually taking care to avoid Coldplay, it just works out like that.

      I think Coldplay are easily confused with Radiohead. Coldplay are Radiohead with less prog, or, conversely, Radiohead are Coldplay with more references to Douglas Adams novels. And both bands would be vastly improved by the addition of Captain Feathersword to the lineup.

  5. I’ve been 0, 1, 3 and 4. More or less in that ascending order. At some point I reached the stage where the amount I had invested in disliking Coldplay tailed off rapidly.

    I’m a poor quality sort of music snob these days, though. Had to listen to a few hours of earnest eighties revival garage rock over the weekend and it was just far too pure for my palate.

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