NOTE: the two Antipholuses are played by early-80s Bill Murray, and Dromio is played by early-80s Rick Moranis.
The Scene: Ephesus
Scene I. A cheap little hotel room
Enter Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio of Syracuse.
Ant. S. Well, here we are. Good mornin’, Ephesus!
Go out and get a pack of Marlboro Lights,
Oh, and a premise for a comedy.
Dro. S. To do all your commands is but my wish,
But smoking’s very bad –
Ant. S. Get outta here.
Scene II. Poolside of Antipholus of Ephesus
Enter Antipholus of Ephesus and Dromio of Syracuse
Ant. E. So, Drome, the wife is on my case again.
I’ve order’d just the thing to buy her off,
A lovely necklace, care of Angelo.
So be a pal, go over there and get it.
Drom. S. But you just said – what necklace? – I’m confused.
You wanted cigarettes? And an idea?
Ant. E. Confused? That’s funny, I’m confused as well.
I’m wondering what you’re still doing here
When I just ordered you to do a job! [Beats him.
[Exit Dromio S.
Scene III. The cheap little hotel room, again
Ant. S. So, ideas, little man. I’m dying here.
Drom. S. Well, here’s the necklace, boss, just like you said.
Ant. S. You didn’t get an idea for the play?
Drom. S. No, but I heard a joke about a fat chick.
Ant. S. Thou drunkard! Varmint! Idiot! Thou worm!
Like those? Some fancy cuss-words, just for you.
Now have a fancy blow across the skull. [Beats him.
Drom. S. Say, I’ve a thought. What if we had twins,
Another master and another drudge,
And then got all mixed up? Would that be fun?
Ant. S.Yeah, that’d be just swell. Two sets of twins.
It just so happens that they dress the same!
Hold still, I think there’s something on your head. [Beats him.