Merry Crashmas!

It’s everyone’s favourite time of the year, as jolly old Santa Keynes, with his heart-warming cries of “Ho, ho, ho!” and “I’m not sure that’s quite what I meant” distributes largesse and mare’s milk to pensioners and low-income families, which in Australia these days means, roughly, “anyone with a kid who is not on the board of a publicly listed company” so it’s time to spend up big!

Each Crashmas bonus will be enough to enable you to buy 15 iPod Shuffles, 6 whole pairs of sneakers or around 50 shares in Macquarie Bank (NOTE: DON’T DO THIS)

Q. Can the Government force me to spend my Crashmas bonus?

A. Technically, no, but commencing on Boxing Day, all recipients of the payment who have not yet spent their Crashmas bonus in full will receive an automated phone call of the Prime Minister sighing and tutting with disappointment once every twenty-four hours.

Q. Do I have to give my Crashmas bonus to my kids?

A. First, make sure you ask them what they are planning to spend it on. Good answers are ‘lollies’, ‘robots’, ‘dinosaurs’ or ‘a deposit on a house’. Bad answers are ‘my piggy bank’, ‘Macquarie Bank shares’ or ‘bullion’.

Q. Can I spend my Crashmas bonus on hookers and blow?

A. Although money laundering is an excellent pathway for fiscal stimulus, it is, unfortunately, still illegal to spend any part of your Crashmas bonus on blow. However, you may spend it on hookers, provided that said hookers are going to circulate the money back into the economy in turn. If your hooker has copies of The Economist on her night-stand or has ever used the phrase “Baltic Dry index” in post-coital small talk, you should probably get a new TV instead.

Q.If I spend my Crashmas bonus and Australia has a recession after all, will I get a refund?

A. Merry Crashmas!

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